Hopes And Fears
by Sora Takenouchi Ishida
Summary: Abby dies from an accident, as a result from an argument with Carter. Now his world has fallen apart. Note: Lots of Luka bashing, don't read if you like him. Carby.
1. Chapter 1

**Hopes And Fears**

**Part 1**

If I knew how everything would be, I certainly would never do this.

"_I, John Carter, take you Makemba Likasu, as my wife till death tears us apart"_

"_I, Makemba Likasu, take you John Carter, as my husband till death tears us apart"_

"_If someone has something against this marriage, speak now"_

"_I do"_

_That's when she got up. Yes, that's right. She got up._

"_You can't marry her, John. I'm... I'm still in love with you"_

Everybody in the church turned their heads to her. But I'm glad to say she did the right thing. She opened my eyes and made me realize I was unhappy with Kem. She also made me see she was my soulmate and she'll always be, even with everything that's happened. I've struggled real hard to make it work the first time. But I can certainly tell you it was all worth.

And now I'm standing here, outside the trauma two, as I watch the doctors trying to ressuscitate the lifeless body on the bed. I don't even remeber what happened – or maybe I'm just trying to forget. I just want to be able to have her in my arms again and say the three words I really want to say and she wants so badly to hear. But I guess I missed it. And now I don't even know if I'll ever get the chance to tell her how important she is to me, how much she means to me. If I don't have her with me again I don't know what I'd do.

"Charge 200. Clear"

" No change"

"Charge 300. Clear"

"Assistole"

"Time of death: 19:30"

Susan looked at me with sorrow.

"Man, I hate this part"

She walked out to meet me. The look in her eyes told me everything. My eyes watered.

"I'm sorry", She said as she put her hand on my shoulder.

"It's okay"

"I know this is really difficult, John. But she's gone"

My heart began to ache as I convinced myself I'd never see her pretty face again. The face which brought me so much happiness.

"_The department would like to thank you but we can't bring you a fan. Is it me? It's like a sauna in here. I'm soaked"_

_"Do you have a fever?"_

_"No"_

_"Well just, sit down"_

_"I'm fine"_

_"Sit down!"_

_"Take your temperature"_

_"I'm not infectious"_

_"Just, stick the thermometer in your ear"_

_"Today started out like a normal day, you know?"_

_"See? Ninety-nine. I told you"_

_"Okay. You're still hot. Is that better?"_

_"Mmhmm"_

"_The worst of this is over, right? Tell me we're gonna be okay"_

_"We're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay"_

I entered the room and saw her lifeless body. The body of the woman I would never have in my arms again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Part 2**

I looked towards the door and noticed Susan had left. Then I turned my attention back to the lifeless body in the bed. My eyes got teared up as I drove myself into the thought that Abby was dead. Yes, it was hard to accept. The love of my life. My soulmate. She was gone and there was nothing I could do. I brought a chair closer to me and sat as I grabbed her cold and white hand. I felt a strange feeling running through all my body.

"I'm sorry, Abby. I'm so sorry. I was a completely jerk. You told me how you felt and yet I left. I felt I did the right thing by running away, but you have no idea how much I missed you. Everyday I thought if I was the right guy for you. Every night I thought about you, wishing that you were with me and never let me go. I'd surely never let you go if I knew what would happen next. I would just hold you in my arms and tell you everything would be okay. Then I'd tell you I never forgot about you, you were the one for me. Only you"

I couldn't control my tears so I let them fall. I don't care about anything anymore. I lost my love, my reason to live. I would give everything – everything really – to have a chance to at least talk to her. Even if it was for a second only. If only I could see her smile again...

I stood up from the chair and turned to leave. I bet my eyes were all read from crying. I walked out the trauma room and took a look on the body inside before walking away.

"John", Kerry said as she saw me in the admin, leaned against the counter, "I am sorry"

"Yeah"

"It must be a terrible pain"

"It is"

"We all loved Abby. She was an amazing nurse and a terrific doctor. She will be missed by everybody here"

I could tell that for one second she really missed her. But it was so not like Kerry that I dropped that thought.

"Take the time you need and don't even think about getting back to work unless you're ready to"

"Thank you"

I walked towards the lounge to pick some things before going home. I opened my locker and saw some pictures. The same pictures she put with my clothes two years ago.

"_You better watch out, they're choosing the next mega-millionaire out there"_

_"I thought you already won the lottery"_

_"Oh I did, when I met you. Is this gonna be warm enough?"_

_"I don't know, who dances outside in November?"_

_"Eskimos"_

_"He doesn't even like to dance"_

_"Well love makes you do crazy things. What?"_

_"Nothing. I just wish I could go be someplace quiet with him"_

_"Well give her a chance, maybe she's mature beyond her years"_

_"I know. It's not her, really, it's him. He's been acting strange"_

_"Strange how?"_

_"You know, flighty, spontaneous"_

_"Happy?"_

_"Too happy"_

_"There's no such thing"_

"_In my family, yes, there is"_

_"He's what, 27?"_

_"Yeah, but he's smoking, and he's flying around in planes, and he has this milk-shake obsession…What?"_

_"Milk shake obsessions?"_

_"Well.."_

_"You don't think that your radar might be a little sensitive?"_

_"No.. I don't know, maybe"_

_"Hey. It's a double date. I think we can all afford to have some fun"_

_"Only if you don't make me dance"_

_"I can't promise anything"_

_"You have real commitment issues, you know that?"_

I continued searching my locker and I saw a syringe with Vicodin. I took and injected it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Part 3:**

I felt a pleasure feeling after taking the Vicodin. I grabbed the photos and stared at them for a while, then I put them in my pocket. I walked out the lounge and saw Susan sitting in the admin' looking at nothing.

"Hey"

She didn't answer, so I shook my hand in front of her, to make sure she was awake. She blinked and shook her head.

"What?"

"What were you thinking?"

"Uh... I'm so sad! I can't believe! I just lost my best friend!"

I could feel the pain she was feeling as much as I could see her eyes fill with tears. And quickly I began to feel mine too.

"You just lost a friend! What about me? I just lost my soulmate. The love of my life!", My voice got louder, almost yelling, "And I can't bring her back! I wanted to say 'I love you' and have her in my arms! How does it feel? How does it feel to have the person you're in love with gone?"

Susan took a moment to absorb this and then answered in a calm tone, despite of my anger.

"I don't know, John. I've never been through this before"

"Yeah, you don't!", I shouted, "Then don't come trying to help me because you don't know what it's like", I walked to her and said loudly, "You don't know what it's like"

I stormed out and left County. I sat in the bench in the ambulance bay to breathe and chill out.

"_Any word on Pratt's thorachotomy?"_

_"I haven't heard"_

_"Do you wanna talk about it?"_

_"There's nothing to talk about"_

_"Oh no? It started after your assault?"_

_"I said I didn't wanna talk about it"_

_"No, you said there was nothing to talk about"_

_"Whatever. Carter, it's not what you think. I can handle this-"_

_"Relax, Abby. I'm not throwing the program at you; I'm just trying to help"_

_"Don't need any help"_

_"Six years, you know, you were sober for six years"_

_"Right. That was then. I'm a different person now. What, I'm not shooting up! I had a beer. I had a beer. Stop trying to make it such a big deal"_

_"It is a big deal. It's not about the beer you had yesterday, or the two that you're gonna want today or the six that you're going to want tomorrow..."_

_"It's under control"_

_"Oh, is it?"_

_"Yes, it is. And it's not a reaction, it's a decision. My decision"_

I took a deep breath after heading home.


	4. Chapter 4

**Part 4:**

Luka walked in the ER and saw Susan still crying.

"What's wrong with people today? I just met John outside and he didn't even say hi"

"Yeah... I don't know"

"Then why are you crying?"

"Can't I just cry with no reason? Leave me alone!"

Susan left angrily and Luka was surprised with her attitude.

"Don't get it wrong", Kerry said behind him, "She's still shocked"

"With what?"

Just when she was going to answer the paramedics entered with a trauma patient.

"I'm so worried about him", Chen said to Neela.

"Yeah, me too", Susan said joinning them.

"One of us should go talk to him"

"I can't imagine what it's like to lose the love of your life. I don't know what I'd do without Chuck", She paused, "Yeah we do. So which one?"

"I don't know. I think we both know him for the same time"

"Yeah", Susan nodded, "Oh... what the hell... I'll go"

"But... weren't you two screaming before?"

"Yeah... but it will be okay this time"

"Okay"

"So I'm gonna take off"

"Yeah"

In the mansion... I was looking through a box. I found photos... a lot of photos actually, of all our moments – in the evacuation, dancing with Eric and Jody, with all the staff. I got so emotional by seeing those pictures. Then I pressed a photo – me and Abby looking so happy. She was in front of me and I had my arms around her waist – against my chest with both hands. I'm sure Eric took it. He had a great gift. He was an amazing photographer. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear the doorbell ringing. It was needed for the person to yell at me for me to wake up.

"I'm coming!"

I opened the door and saw Susan.

"Hey"


	5. Chapter 5

**Part 5:**

"Hey Carter"

"What are you doing here?"

"I came here because I wanted to talk to you"

"Well... then come on in"

I closed the door behind me and mentioned for her to sit down. She did and I sat in the other couch, across her. The lights were all off but I didn't dare to turn them on. I didn't want to.

"So...", She began to talk, "You ready to talk about it?"

"Yeah, I guess"

"Okay then. What exactly happened?"

"Where you want me to start from?"

"The second beginning"

"Okay"

As I began to tell her, all the memories came back into my mind.

_It was a rainy day. We were at home – our home. She was in the bathroom. She was taking a pregnancy test and it was positive. We made a deal and decided to have our first baby. So, we were trying to get pregnant. We tried very hard the night before. All the night I must say. And since we both were off the next day – we were trying to have the same days off – we tried in the day. And at night of that same day she did another test – it was positive again._

"_That's not possible!", She said almost shouting._

"_What, honey?"_

"_Apparently I'm definitely pregnant"_

"_Ohh...", I paused for some seconds, "But isn't it good?"_

"_No!"_

_She sat in the toilet seat with her hands on her face and she spoke through them._

"_I don't know"_

"_Haven't we been trying to get pregnant? We made a deal"_

"_I know. I know"_

_She began to sob and I was sure she was crying. I felt like someone stabbed me... again. And it wasn't nice. I knelt down next to her and put my arms around her._

"_What am I gonna do?"_

_I raised an eyebrow, "What?"_

"_What am I gonna do... if I can't keep this child... and make you go through another loss... again?"_

_I was surprised with that question. And concerned, too. She's really changed._

"_I... honestly... don't know"_

"_I'm sorry John", She began to sob harder, "I'm so sorry. I screwed up everything again"_

"_No you didn't", I started stroking her hair to comfort her, "You didn't before and you didn't now"_

_I could feel her smiling slightly and then her sweet voice spoke._

"_Really?"_

"_Yes"_

"_Oh John", She began to sob again, "I'm afraid I won't make it"_

"_Who says you won't? You gotta be more confident"_

"_I am. I guess I am. I want to be"_

"_But...?"_

"_But what about the disease?"_

"_You know the probabilities of passing on the disease are very small. It's unlikely"_

"_What if I have a spontaneous miscarry? I can't make you go through that again"_

"_Abby..."_

_I wanted to comfort her but I didn't find words to. So I kept stroking her hair softly._

"_You gotta help me John", She said suddenly._

"_I know. I will"_

"_I should get home now"_

_She pushed me away and stood._

"_But..."_

"_Sorry"_

_She picked her things and left. I chased her and when I ran downstairs I heard a car stopping. I ran outside and saw her lying on the street, and the man desperate._

"Oh my God Carter"

"Yeah", I said in a crying tone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Part 6:**

"What happened next?"

"Well... I picked her in my arms and brought her inside..."

"_Abby. Abby. Are you okay?"_

_She slowly opened her eyes._

"_Talk to me Abby. Abby."_

"_What?", She said in a calm tone._

"_You got hit by a car."_

"_Oh..."_

"_What happened? Are you okay?"_

"_Yeah, I'm fine. I don't remember."_

"_You feeling sore?"_

"_No", She promped to her elbows, "Ouch!"_

"_Where does it hurt?"_

"_Here."_

_She placed her hand on her belly._

"_Oh God."_

"_What?"_

"_Nothing", I shook my head, "We need to go to County."_

"_Why?"_

"_You're injured. It can be serious."_

"We both went to the hospital and Neela examined her."

"Why didn't you get me?"

"Abby didn't want you to know. And to be honest, I didn't either."

Susan's face turned to disappointed. I noticed that.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Go on."

"Anyway... Neela said she was fine. She was the only person who knew about the baby too. She said he or she was gonna be fine too."

"Did you know what you did to Abby?", She asked suddenly.

I got a little puzzled with that statement.

"I'm sorry?"

"Did you realize what you did to her?"

Again I got confused with her question and tried to understand it for a moment. I guess she noticed because she laughed a little and spoke.

"You didn't get it, did you?"

"No", I gave her an embarrassing smile.

"Yeah, I noticed. What I meant is that she's changed after you left – you noticed that by yourself, I think. And now that you came back, you changed her again. I could swear Abby would never want a baby."

"Yeah... I could swear either."

"So you're aware about what you caused to her?"

"Yes, Susan, I am."

There was a long pause. I believe we both were trying to imagine what our lives would be like without Abby around. It was still hard to believe. After what seemed like five minutes but was only some seconds, I finally spoke.

"First Peter. Then Mark. Now Abby", I rubbed my eyes, "What's wrong with me? Am I that emotional or am I insane?"

"You're not insane Carter. You just miss them. They were a big part of your life. Two living examples and a woman you were in love with. It's normal to feel that way."

"I want to have her back Susan. I know I can't. What am I supposed to do without her?"

"Well... you'll have to get over"

"How? She was the one who suported me when I got addicted to drugs. She was the one who sponsored me. She made me like coffee and pie. We've been through so much together."

"Yeah, I know. I knew you two were meant to be at the moment I saw you two together."

I smiled weakly and she smiled back.


	7. Chapter 7

**Part 7:**

"You know... I missed her a lot these two years."

"I'm sure she missed you. I know she did."

"I was so blind! I was so stupid to admit to myself I was falling in love with her that I lost her to Luka."

"Would you drop it? You didn't lose her to Luka! You just didn't take your chance! But in the end who won this? Who won? You did! Be happy you got another chance."

"Yeah, but I couldn't get what I wanted."

"What else do you want Carter? You got her back again, you got her pregnant again. What could you possibly want?"

"Her! I want her!"

"But you can't have! Not anymore!"

I took a time to think about an answer and I absorbed something Susan said.

"What you mean pregnant again?"

"Where the hell you got that from?"

"You! You said it!"

"No I didn't."

"Come on Susan! I want to know. Was Abby carrying my baby?", I noticed she didn't answer, "Was she, Susan?"

"Yeah okay! She was!"

"And I only get to know it three years later!"

"Well... you never bother to know. You didn't bother to know how she felt. You only had eyes for yourself. You didn't think about anything else. You didn't care if you had hurt her heart and feelings. You just didn't give a damn about it!"

"It was her fault. She should have told me! Things would be different. We would be married now. And have kids too."

"Well... she didn't want to ruin your plans."

"That was more important than my plans, wasn't that? Family means a lot to me, you know it!"

"I don't know. I never slept with you remember?"

"Wait a moment. What does that have to do with this?"

"Nothing. Nothing. Just forget it."

There was a long silence. We both were trying to calm down.

"You know... when you said sometimes you got the feeling I wanted to be in other place?"

"Yeah."

"I didn't want to be in other place. I wanted to be with someone else. My life was off track and I didn't notice that."

"Carter."

"I got involved with a teenager, I injected drugs, I smoked, I drank, I got stabbed. Life is great huh?", I said ironically.

"You know... it doesn't have to be the same this time."

"I don't think you're getting it. I just lost my soulmate... forever! Forever! Is it pleasant for you?"

"No. It's not!", She paused for some seconds and breathed deeply, "Carter, calm down. This will only make us angrier at each other."

"Yeah, you're right."

"So you got involved with a teenager? Really?"

"Yeah I did."

"Oh... I didn't know you liked babies."

"I don't", I laughed awkwardly, "She wasn't a teenager, believe me."

"You slept with her?"

I said nothing. I only looked away feeling ashamed.

"Did she know it?"

"Who?"

"Abby."

"Yeah."

"And what did she say?"

"She was Britney Spears' little siste."

_"Hey."_

_"Hey."_

_"You got a minute?"_

_"Sure. What's up?"_

_"I just had uh... I just had lunch with Rena and I think there's a problem."_

_"What she, uh, chews with her mouth open?"_

_"She's young"_

_"So, you're not exactly an old man yourself. You could use someone to loosen you up a little bit."_

_"She's really young."_

_"What is she, like, 23 or something? 22? Is she 20?"_

_"In September."_

_"She's a teenager. Carter!"_

_"I didn't know!"_

_"You didn't ask?"_

_"Women don't like to tell you their age."_

_"Well, she's not a woman. She's a girl."_

_"Oh, she's a woman. Believe me."_

_"Did you sleep with her? Oh my God. You did."_

_"I didn't know!"_

_"You couldn't tell? Did you break up with her?"_

_"Not yet."_

_"What are you waiting for? she grins You gonna call your lawyer?"_

_"Well, she's very mature for her age. You know, she's cool, she's fun..."_

_"She's Britney Spears' little sister."_

_"Thank you."_

"Typical of Abby."

We both smiled as we remembered good old moments.


	8. Chapter 8

**Part 8:**

"I miss her Susan."

"I know. I miss her too." Pause. "Did you think?"

"What?"

"Did you think about how things would have been... if things between us would have really worked out?"

"No... But I'm sure I'd never get the chance to be with Abby. And Chuck would never be in picture."

"Yeah."

"In my entire life, I had no clue at all that I would find a woman like her. A woman that would leave my life upside down like she did. I never wished a woman so bad before as I wished her. You may think this is silly but it's her I loved all along. When she was with Jake, I was so jealous. I thought it was because I cared about her. So I paid her tuition. I thought I'd feel better, but I only felt worse."

"I don't think it's silly. But hey... can I ask you something?"

"Sure. Go ahead."

"Why you left to be with Kem? Didn't you want to be with Abby?"

"I don't know, Susan. I mean, to be with Abby was the thing I wanted most. But I don't know why I left. I guess I was trying to run away. But I guess I didn't success, did I?"

"Wanna know the truth? No, you didn't."

I looked down and raised my eyebrows. I knew I screwed everything again. I officially hate my life. Everything just didn't seem to have a sense, to work. And I didn't know what to do to bring that sense back on track.

"My life is so screwed. And it's screwed real hard."

"Don't say it."

"Come on. You know it is."

Susan just nodded. She knew I got the point.

"My life lost all sense you know? There's no point on living anymore."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"If I can't have her, then I'll die."

"What?!"

"I want to die."

"No! You don't! People here need you!"

"Who? Look, the only person I need is gone!"

"She may have gone physically. But she'll always be with us."

"I love her Susan. I love her."

"I know. She loves you too."

"And I need her. I need her like I didn't need anyone before."

"I know Carter."

"You know, I waited like six years to find her. No, I waited twenty nine years. Almost all my life. I know I should have gone farther and proposed to her."

Susan just stared at me. She probably noticed how miserable I was. If miserable fits my case, which I don't think so. There must be more appropriate words for my state. But I just can't find any. How sad am I? I can't even find words to describe how I feel. It's not like that someone has to know. The problem is I can't even tell myself.

"Susan", I said as I rubbed my eyes to contain the tears, "Can you please leave me alone? I need sometime to think. Sorry."

"It's okay Carter. Take the time you need. I assume this is hard."

"Yeah."

"Call me if you need to talk."

"Thanks."

"Take care. I mean it."

"You too."

I closed the door and turned to go to my room. Then I picked a box with memories and took a small box from the big box and opened it. I stared amuzed to the thing inside it.


	9. Chapter 9

**Part 9:**

"_Hey. Don't put that on my account."_

"_I only wanted half."_

"_Nobody smokes half cigarette."_

"_I do. And I'm trying to quit."_

_'Oh, back to that, are we?"_

"_I like routine."_

"_Yeah, like disappearing on me."_

"_I know. I'm sorry."_

"_It's... no problem. You had bigger concerns."_

"_Yeah, like ruinning your vacation."_

"_Who knows? You might have saved me from a shark attack."_

"_Run away Carter. Run as fast as you can."_

"_Where's Maggie?"_

"_She went home."_

"_Minnesota?"_

"_Please."_

"_Well, wanna hide out at my place for a while?"_

"_Did you hear what I said about running away?"_

"_I block about half of what you say."_

"_Only half?"_

"_Negative half. Sorry."_

"_No. You're right. I am negative. It's hard not to be when you attract misery everywhere you go."_

"_I'm not gonna let you do this."_

"_I'm like a magnet for it and you shouldn't have to deal with this."_

"_Now you're pissing me off."_

"_Maybe you should just cut your losses."_

"_You know, Eric is alive. You could take two seconds and rejoice on that."_

"_I did. I hugged you and then I ran away to find my crazy mother. And I never even came back to say thank you. Thank you for travelling all night. Thank you for working all the day just to be with me."_

"_You're welcome."_

"_Cause you know, my life is on hold. It will always and forever be on hold. You don't wanna be on hold."_

"_Then don't put it on hold."_

"_I have no choice, you do."_

"_Right. Your life sucks. Now and forever there's nobody you can love and there's nothing you can do about it."_

"_You don't want me to love you."_

"_Can I decide that for myself?"_

"_Fine. Decide. What you want?"_

"_What I want? I want you to stop being so afraid."_

"_I'm not afraid."_

"_I want us to stop being so careful!"_

"_I just..."_

"_I wanna marry you!"_

"_What?"_

"_I wanna marry you!"_

"_Oh you're proposing?"_

"_Yeah!"_

"_You're crazy!"_

"_Well, then I'll fit right in!"_

The memories filled my mind as I kept staring at the wedding ring. And I regretted for not going ahead and proposed properly. We would be married by now. Things would be different. Of course I couldn't expect her to change. I loved her and yet I gave up on her. I gave up on love. True love. I am really stupid. That's what I am. You only give things the value they deserve after you lose them. I had lost Abby. Forever. And I gotta say it doesn't feel good. I feel empty. Like someone has just stolen everything from me. She means everything to me. I should have listened to her. She wanted me to stay. She was probably willing to work things out. And once again I blew it. Because of Luka. Stupid croatian. With Abby, everything was secure, was good. Quickly my world began to be dependent of hers. Every little thing I did or said was about her. She was on my mind twenty four hours a day. If one day our shifts didn't allow us to meet each other, I got in a completely bad mood and couldn't concentrate. She had that effect on me. And I think she always will. We've both struggle real hard to make our relationship work. Then there were a time we fought like all the time. That was the time I decided to leave. I never should have listened to Luka. He dragged me into this world. We fought for her and then he did this low thing by taking me away from her. I'll never forgive him. Well, he got what he wanted. He's not gonna have her either. I gave an awkward laugh. This isn't funny. It's painful. It hurts. I'm not going to have her in my arms ever again. And it hurts. It hurts to know that – or who – you want most you can't have. Life is great isn't it? When you finally realize what you did wrong life plays a trick on you. And you fall straight into the hole in your way. And I fell into it once again even though I did other times. I can never seem to learn from my mistakes. I fell into thi hole like three times. It was needed for her to oppose against my marriage to get my eyes open. The worst part is I only spent six months with her. It passed by as fast as an eye blinking. I regretted not being able to spend the rest of my life, as I thought it would be since the beginning. I'm sure that was what she expected too. I stood from the couch. I made my way to my room and took a box in my hands. I picked a syringe and put the box over the chest of drawers again. Then I made my way to the balcony and injected the drugs in my vain.


	10. Chapter 10

**Part 10**

I didn't know how much Vicodin was on the syringe. But I don't care. I just want to forget everything. Forget for only one second how miserable I was. Nah, the truth is that I was trying to get closer to her. Don't know how, don't know where. I just want to hold her and tell her I won't leave anymore. That I'm not going anywhere. I may have said it once, but I actually mean it this time. We were supposed to start a family. If I wasn't so hesitant. I should have said I would help her and the baby. I have some experience on it. She does too. Family. A word that means the world for some people and some people don't give a damn about it. I fit on the first group. I always loved my family. Even with my crazy mother. I had some good moments. When I had the possibility to start my own family, it's taken away from me. Sometimes I think there's no happiness at all for me. No matter what happens. I'll always be miserable. That's my destination. I can't fight it.

Love at first sight. Some people believe on it. Some don't. I'm one of those who didn't. But I began to believe when it happened to me. Love at first sight. That day, at Doc Magoo's. The day I asked her to be my sponsor.

"_Hi. Could I get a coffee with cream, no sugar to go, please?"_

"_Hey."_

"_Hey. You back already?"_

"_No, not for another week."_

"_What, are you just hanging out?"_

"_Conversion meeting at nine."_

"_You look much better."_

"_Thank you. Yeah, I like your hair."_

"_Thank you."_

_"Some nice scrubs. You picking up some extra shifts?"_

_"No, I was suspended."_

_"Oh. You didn't kill anybody, did you?"_

_"No. But I wanted to. My ex-husband was supposed to pay my tuition. He didn't pay it, so, uh..."_

_"Ouch."_

_"I'm on the bench for a while. But it certainly didn't seem like that today. Oh, thank you."_

_"Hey, I got that. Would you put that on my bill, please?"_

_"It's okay."_

_"Hey, it's a cup of coffee. Sit down. It's the least I can do after acting like a complete jerk."_

_"When?"_

_"Three months ago. You know, you might've saved my life. If you hadn't stopped me when you did. I could be dead now. I'm working on my steps here."_

"_You're up to nine already?"_

_"Well more or less."_

_"I forgive you. Do you mind? Sorry. I really have to quit. Again, thank you."_

_"Keep it. Long day?"_

_"Yeah. Twenty-two week old preemie survived nine hours. I just finished the death kit."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah. I don't know why I do this. Sometimes I think I should just go be an accountant or something."_

_"Hmm. That's an option."_

_"Yeah, if I could balance a checkbook. What about you?"_

_"A lot of waiting, a lot of meetings."_

_"Yeah, you kind of get meeting-ed out."_

_Both nod in agreement._

_"Aren't you gonna ask?"_

_"What?"_

_"What I was doing there this morning."_

_"You only go for one reason. I figured I'd keep going and eventually you'd stand up and share."_

_"It's not that interesting. I'm a drunk."_

_"How long have you been sober?"_

_"Almost five years."_

_"So you could sponsor somebody."_

_"Yeah, I guess."_

_"Have you?"_

_"No."_

_"Cos I'm supposed to find a sponsor."_

_We stare at each other and she chuckles_

_"Don't look at me."_

_"No?"_

_"No. I'm barely holding my own life together right now, trust me."_

_"Cos it would be great to have somebody at the hospital. And since you did sort of start me on my road to recovery."_

_"And men and women aren't supposed to sponsor each other."_

_"Don't worry about it."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Come on. You're not gonna make me ask a total stranger are you? The only person I met at the meeting was the coffee guy."_

_"Okay, okay. I will work the steps with you until you find a permanent sponsor."_

_"Fair enough."_

_"I'll start by setting a good example. Besides, I don't think coffee and cigarettes are gonna do it for me tonight."_

"_No?"_

_"No. I'm getting a hot fudge sundae."_

_"Mmm."_

_"Would you like one?"_

_"Mmm-mmm. I got enough vices."_

_"No, I think part of the rules should be that you have to splurge with me."_

_"Is that how it works?"_

You know, we're supposed to get together that day. God knows how I wanted to kiss her. But I wasn't brave enough to do this. I guess I was afraid of what she would think. How she would act. And once again I regretted. From my lack of courage. She would never kissed Luka if I had kissed her. And we would be together for five years now. Is this really it? Five years? Wow! Five years is a long time. To be in love with the same woman. It's not for me though. If she had asked me not to even show interest on another woman, I would do that. Everything is easy when you're in love. In my case it's not that easy. I wasted two years convincing myself I loved Kem when I didn't. And when I finally realized I was still in love with Abby, she is taken away from me. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. Abby. The reason I'm here. The reason I'm living for. The reason I'm injecting drugs again. The reason I want to die for. I wonder how things in the other world would be like. And she didn't go alone. She took the baby with her. Our baby. My eyes began to water. I loved it so much already. She was afraid of something like this to happen. Not dying but miscarrying the baby. I was afraid too, but it would only make things worse. I felt like drops falling on me. I looked up and noticed it was raining. I hate rainy days. It brings bad memories back on my mind. Memories I don't want to remember at all.

"_Hi."_

_"Hi. When did you get back?"_

_"Just now."_

_"It's 5:30 in the morning."_

_"My flight from London was delayed. I missed you."_

_"Did you just let yourself in?"_

_"I'm sorry about how I left."_

_"Can I have my key back, please?"_

I came back from Africa and went straight to her place and she made me give her key back. Oh hell, I was a jerk anyway. I missed Doug that time. He surely would have helped me then. He had a sixth sense you know. He knew it was about me when I asked him how to exam VD. And Jerry put the results on the board. It was a great time. Med school. No worries. Everything was great. With Abby. Well, things with her were a bit predictable. Or not. It was full of surprises. For me and her. I guess that is one of the secrets from relationships. I may be talking crazy now. I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. Nothing makes sense to me now. I'm in a completely miserable situation. You can say so. I looked inside the bedroom. Our bedroom. So many moments, you know? My eyes watered and my heart filled with pain as I realized that was it. She was never coming back. Never again. I walked in the bedroom and sat in the bed. Her side. I looked at the chest of drawers. Something caught my attention. It was a note. It belonged to her. She wrote that to me. It had only seven words but those words meant everything to me. The words were 'I want to be with you forever'. Pretty clever huh? I guess she didn't know what would happen. Well, neither did I. I'd do anything to prevent that. I kept staring at that piece of paper on my hands for a while. She was unpredictable . I never knew what she was thinking. She surprised me many times. I'll miss this. I'll miss coming home and not having her waiting for me. I'll miss everything. The baby and all the stuff I thought we were gonna have. I'll miss driving our kids to school and going to baseball games or ballet presentations. I placed my right elbow on my right knee and put my hand on my eyes and just let the tears fall. I stayed like this for some minutes but it seemed like hours. I stood to take some air. As I was walking down the room I saw an open door. It was the baby's room. The crib was already built. It was white cause we didn't want to know the sex. We wanted to keep it a surprise. I kepy walking and then I drove off. Several minutes later, I stopped by a store to buy a drink.

"Keep the change." I said before heading to my car again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Part 11**

Half an hour later I arrive home. The bottle in my hands. Wine. Vicodin. A good combination, huh? If you're gonna screw yourself up, do it right. I grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with the wine. Then I headed to our bedroom and walked out to the balcony. It had a great view. Amazing. This used to be the right place to think about everything. Just like the roof at County. But that one was for screwing things at work, killing a patient, giving the wrong medication, these kind of things. This one is to think about life and all that surrounds it. Love. Relationships. Marriage. That was our next step. I was intending on proposing to her. Properly. I was gonna take her to Paris. We would go to the finest restaurant. Then I'd take her to the Eiffel Tower, knee down, say how much I love her, that I want to be with her forever. And then I'd reach my pocket to pick a small box. I would open it carefully and gently put it on her ring finger. And I would actually mean it. I would. After that night on the restaurant, everything just lost control. The plan was taking the wrong direction. Plan. Maybe it's better to have more than one you know. If it gets wrong... well, it got wrong. You need to come up with something to make it right. Something I didn't do. Fear. Anger. Take whatever you prefer.

"_Are you gonna tell me what this is all about?"_

_"I thought we both just deserved a break, especially after a day like today."_

_"Mm-hmm. It was more like a month. pause, and she smiles But what's it really all about?"_

_"So you think this is a keeper?"_

_"The restaurant?"_

_"Us. You and me."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"I've, uh, spent a long time looking for a relationship that I thought would stick. Sometimes it was the wrong person. Sometimes I guess I wasn't ready, or in the right place, but... I think I am now. I really think I am now. Are you?"_

_"John…"_

_"Because I really want this..to stick."_

_"Me too."_

_"I know that uh, we've had a rough time, and there's still a lot of stuff that we have to get through. But I think we're doing okay. I think that we're growing, we're changing. Do you?"_

_"I don't know if people ever really change. But, I know what you mean."_

_"You do?"_

_"I think I do."_

_"Mm-hmm. Well, let's see what's for dessert."_

_"That's it? You bought out this whole place just for that?"_

_"That. And the chocolate soufflé."_

Lucky? Nah, no thanks. That's not for me. It was for a while but it disappeared when I left to Africa. It came back again when I found my way back to her. Once again it disappeared when she died. And that's the end of lucky to me. You know, it's not easy to focus on work when your mind is in someone you love all the time. I can tell. Having things that remind you of that someone only makes it harder. In my case, everything reminds me of her. Everywhere I go I see something or listen to a song or see someone who knew her or we used to make fun at and that reminds me of her. I looked at the glass full of wine over the table and moved to grab it. I made my way to the edge of the balcony again and leaned over so I could see the streets below. It wasn't that high. I mean, if you want to do something crazy and jump. Seems like it's not too painful. You're dead as soon as you reach the ground. I must admit it's not a bad way to go. I turned around and looked inside. The glass still hanging in my hand. I stared at everything inside the bedroom. I noticed the sheet. It was the same one from that day.

"_You still okay with me going?"_

"_Yeah, I said I was."_

_"You meant it? What are you thinking?"_

_"Nothing."_

_"Work?"_

_"Nope."  
_

"_Your mom?"_

_"God, no."_

_"Come on, tell me."_

_"It's a song."_

_"Oh yeah?"_

_"Mm-hmm."_

"_Which one?"_

_"From the 70s."_

_"It's goofy."_

_"'Blinded by the Light'."_

_"No."_

_"'Love Will Keep Us Together'."_

_"Nope. 'Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite'…"_

_"No…."  
_

"_You wanna get that?"_

_"Nope."_

I walked in and moved to lay on the bed. It still had her perfume. Tears formed in my eyes as I ran my hand over the sheet – in the side she used to sleep. Running my hand over it reminded me of two times. I was away and found her sleeping on my side of the bed. If I knew her so well I'd bet she's been sleeping where I used to all these years. It was her way to say she missed me. I missed her. I still do. Always will. She was never good with words, but her eyes showed to me everything she was feeling. I wasn't very good at words either, but she knew how I felt only by looking. This I know for sure, I won't have it with no one else. Cause there'll be no one else. Not anymore. It'll be only her. I love her. Oh God I'm so in love with her. Everytime I looked at her I got lost in her eyes. They were so misterious yet they were so revealers. I knew what she wanted to do only by watching her. And I had to have the initiative to move towards her and make it. And most of times I was right. Even when we fought I could see in her eyes that that wasn't what she wanted. A curious thing is that it was always dark when we fought. Not only literally. I mean there was darkness in both of our hearts at those times. When we finished screaming at each other at the top of our lungs she just stood still, crying and trembling. And all my anger suddenly faded away. Seeing her so vulnerable, so fragile made my heart melt and I forgot what just happened after every fight. Sometimes I let love take over me and slowly moved towards her, tiptoing carefully not to scare her. Unless it was a pretty bad fight, she didn't move not even an inch to avoid me. That made me confident to keep going. And soon I had her face on my hands, her eyes closed and non-stop sobbing. With my thumbs I wiped away her tears to assure her everything would be just fine. Then she leaned against my chest and I caressed her hair and back. But sometimes something different happened. She was standing still, leaned against the wall, crying and sobbing. I could barely see her face. I was too angry and mad at her, I couldn't even be in the same room as her. I just grabbed my car key and walked out, slamming the door behind me. I'd bet she slipped down until she reached the floor with her hands on her head. Crying and sobbing harder. And I just drove off. No apparent destination. Just going where my mind told me to. As a matter of fact it always led me to that same place. So familiar. To me and to her. The place that held so many histories. The place I was going over right now. We always went there to think and to chill, me most. The river.


	12. Chapter 12

**Part 12**

I'll tell you why this place means so much to me. That day, May 19th 2000. I told her I was in love with her. Here.

"_Is that a record number of gunshot wounds for one shift?"_

_"By the same guy, absolutely."_

_"He has a good chance. Like you said you found it early."_

"_No, it's more that he has to go through it alone. You know as if having cancer as a kid wasn't bad enough."_

_"He could get passed over for chief resident."_

_"That's true. Or he could get kicked out of med school and be forced to work as an ER nurse."_

_"I was not kicked out."_

_"Oh really? What would you call it?"_

_"Suspended for being a dead beat. Do you know he offered to pay my tuition?"_

_"Who?"_

_"Luka. And I know he means well, it's just frustrating for me sometimes cos I have to explain my every feeling to him and normally when you're with someone for a while they get to know your moods, but he doesn't do that-"_

_"You know what? Stop it"_

_"What?"_

_"Don't talk to me about Luka. I'm not your girlfriend and I shouldn't really even be here with you."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because I don't want to wish bad things for you and Luka. And I don't want to sit on the sidelines waiting for you two to break up. And I don't want to be your friend. It might be convenient for you but it's not doing much for me."_

_"What are you talking about?"_

Thank God he didn't pay her tuition. He left that to me. I laughed awkwardly. My dearest. My Abby. My everything. My world. I miss you so much. I just want to be next to you at this moment. You have no idea how much I love you. You may not even know if I did. The truth is... I did. And I do. And always will. Forever. And I'm sorry for not apologizing properly to you. I just didn't know you'd be gone you know? Cause if I did I'd tried to be more understanding, patient, friendly. I know you used to tell me I was it all and I always doubted. But you'll always have a special place here. I nervously gave small punches on my chest mentioning my heart. That was when tears started falling down. I didn't try to control them. I slowly slipped down until my knees reached the green grass below me. And to follow me, small water drops began to fall. Still, I stood there, not caring about the rain falling over me. All I cared about was her. Nothing else. Nobody else. I was fooling myself all this time. And I stood there, wet from crying and because of the falling rain. Her words came back to my mind.

"_You gonna do it again?"_

_"Seriously, I think it worked."_

_"Needles in your back?"_

_"Yeah, it was a bonus."_

_"I didn't know you were a masochist."_

_"Whatever works."_

_"Maybe I should go home and get my whip."_

_"Yeah, you do that. You almost off?"_

_"About 15 minutes ago."_

_"What are you still hanging around for?"_

_"And miss this late night stroll..."_

_"It's starting to get a little chilly out here."_

_"I got asked out by a fireman today."_

_"Really?"_

_"Mmhmm."_

_"Ankle guy?"_

_"Yeah. Hard to believe?"_

_"No."_

_"He was good looking."_

_"Big?"_

_"Yeah. Funny."_

_"Invite me to the nuptials."_

_"Alright, you gotta help me out here. I don't know what to do, rub your back? I'm just not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do here."_

_"Well, I'm not exacly sure how I'm supposed to comment on your love life."_

_"I said no, because I was waiting for something to happen... with us."_

_"You've been waiting?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"You weren't doing much to move it forward."_

_"No, you gave me an ultimatum. You stood right there and gave me an ultimatum and I did what you asked and you've done nothing."_

_"What did I ask you do do?"_

_"I broke up with Luka."_

_"First of all, you didn't break up with Luka for me."_

_"I didn't?"_

_"No. Second of all, you didn't break up with Luka."_

_"I'm pretty sure that I did."_

_"Well then ...why do you care so much about what he does, or what he thinks, or who he helps, or what he thinks about you..."_

_"I dated the guy for a year, there's got to be some history."_

_"Maybe too much history."_

_"Well yeah, I had a life before John Carter. If you want someone with no history, you're going to have to... find yourself a virgin."_

_"No. I'll settle for someone who isn't hung up on somebody else."_

_"You don't have to settle for anything, Carter."_

I stood up from the ground and stood still for a moment, staring the river. And the memories floating all over my mind. I turned and slowly walked away. I was driving my car until I noticed I was over at Luka's place. Great. Another memory. Like I said, everywhere I go something reminds me of her. I can't stay away from it. I just... can't.

"_Don't break it"_

_"You owe me so big for this!"_

_"Oh my god!"_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I left the keys in the apartment."_

_"That's it, mission aborted."_

_"Wait, hold it! Wait. He sleeps with the window open."_

_"Wouldn't it make more sense just to leave this out front?"_

_"What, so someone can steal it?"_

_"Who steals a fish tank? Come to think of it, who breaks a fish tank?"_

_"I told you, it was an accident."_

_"Okay, that's Luka's. Can you give me a boost up there?"_

_"Ha! No!"_

_"Just bend over."_

_"You could at least buy me dinner first."_

_"I have a bad back, you know."_

_"What are you implying?"_

_"I'm just saying, what if somebody sees us?"_

_"Alright, just relax. Are you ready?"_

_"Yep."_

_"Okay. It's stuck. Carter!"_

I looked up at his place and noticed the lights were on. Maybe he has some woman with him. I wonder who is. This is the man I followed to Congo, to run away from my problems. It worked at first but then I realized that I was missing my one worst problem – love. Being in love. I scarily ran off as I noticed it was getting me. Completely. Body, mind, and soul. I was afraid she didn't feel the same. But she did. Only a stupid person like me couldn't notice that. I did. But I was terrified. And I think so was she. I didn't want to be the rebound guy. Though I felt so relieved when I kissed her and when we spent the night together. I felt like I was... floating. It was almost a dream.

"_You awake?"_

"_Yeah."_

_"Monkey pox sounds like a video game."_

_"Or voodoo."_

_"Or VD."_

_"Lovely!"_

_"Does your back itch?"_

_"No."_

_"You're scratching it."_

_"I am, it's probably just psychosomatic."_

_"Want me to take a look?"_

_"No, I'm fine."_

_"It could be a rash, turn over."_

_"Do you think somebody did this on purpose?"_

_"Does it matter? Viruses mutate, that's what they do, we're more likely to control bio-terrorism than mother nature."_

_"Thanks, that makes me feel a lot better."_

_"No rash, nice tattoo though."_

_"College, I was drunk."_

_"Is that what I think it is?"_

_"I was going through a religious phase."_

I came back to reality and drove home again. I admit I was a little fast. It made no difference for me.


	13. Chapter 13

**Part 13:**

I arrived home and a part of me expected to see her there, waiting for me. I was disappointed when I realized she's never going to be. Though I know she's gone, it's still surprising. I went upstairs and headed to the bedroom. I slowly removed my clothes and slipped on the robe. Then I walked towards the bathroom to take a nice and long shower. As the water began to fall and reach me I remembered that day in a trip we made. That was the only time I was glad we fought.

_I was sitting on the bench at the balcony in the hotel we were staying. She was laying against my chest and I was caressing her hair._

"_So, I met Rena today."_

"_Oh really?" She looked a little annoyed._

"_Yeah." I noticed she was angry at this and looked at her, "What's it?"_

"_Nothing." She stood up and walked away._

"_Abby." I stood and followed her._

"_Look... I don't want to talk now. I'll go for a walk."_

_I grabbed her arm, trying to stop her. "Baby..."_

"_John please."_

_She jerked my arm away and left. I walked out to the balcony and yelled at her._

"_You can run but you can't hide."_

_She just kept walking, not looking back at me. An hour later, I went to fresh up in the waterfall. It was a beautiful place. As I was getting closer I became amused by her. Her face. Her body. Seeing her in that red bikini made me want to touch her soft skin. Seeing her under the fall, running her hands through her hair made me want to join her and have her in my arms. I carefully got in the water and walked behind her. I slowly put my hands around her waist. It startled her. Slowly I turned her to face me. Both of us were wet and the desire filling us couldn't be controlled anymore. Neither of us wanted to stop the urge to kiss the other – well, I didn't. I'm sure that, even in the bad fights, she melted when I approached her like that. All the time. That was what made me continue touching her. And without realizing it, our lips locked in a deep, passionate, long kiss._

"_I'm sorry." I said as we pulled away from each other._

"_So you met Rena?" She looked away._

"_It's not what you think."_

"_Oh really?", She bit her lower lip to contain the tears._

_I was getting mad – and feeling guilty. I put my hand on her chin and brought it back so we could face each other._

"_It's not what you think. It was a casual date."_

"_Date?", She asked with annoyance._

"_Abby, I didn't cheat on you."_

"_You two broke up for me. And now you're breaking up with me for her", She let go of my arms and walked away._

"_Is this what it's all about?", I instinticvely grabbed her by the arm._

"_Yes!"_

"_Who says I'm in love with her? And who says I'm breaking up with you?"_

_She stood there, not able to answer._

"_Rena and I broke up because I was in love with you. I am in love with you. And it won't be easy to let go. I don't want to let go."_

"_Whatever Carter."_

_She must have been pretty mad to call me Carter. She always called me John. Said it was a beautiful name. Her arm was slipping away from my hand so I held it tighter._

"_Let me go please."_

"_No."_

"_Carter! Let me go!"_

"_I don't want to! I want you to stay here!"_

"_Carter!" Tears began to form in her eyes. "Let me go. I'm begging you. I can't deal with this right now. Don't want to."_

_She pulled my hand away from her arm and moved to go to the hotel. I just stood there, watching the love of my life walking away. And I was the one to blame. I could hear her sobbings. She was devasted – and jealous. I could have chased her and forced her to talk. But I didn't want to push things. It'd only be worse. I needed to find a way to win her – and her heart – again... forever. Half an hour later I went back to the hotel. After closing the room door I turned around and saw her laying in the bed. Her robe was open. I noticed she was wearing the underwear I like most. Well, she decided to give me – us – a chance. I stared at her. She was sleeping peacefully. She looked so pretty. She was pretty. I slowly and carefully moved to lay next to her. Fortunately, the noise the bed made when I was climbing over it made her wake up. I'd hate to do that._

"_Hi." I raised my hand and put it on her face. Then I started caressing her._

"_How long ha-"_

_I led my mouth to meet hers to make her stop talking. I believe she enjoyed it because she kissed me back. We kissed for several long minutes. We pulled away to breathe again._

"_I'm sorry."_

"_No need to apologize."_

"_I didn't mean to -"_

"_John, I said it's okay."_

_She looked at me with a lovely face and I knew it was fine. I cupped her face with my hands and kissed her again. I felt her hands on my neck and soon I was on top of her. Kisses became deeper, more passionate and longer now. She was slipping off my t-shirt and I was slipping off her blue robe. An hour later, I was staring at her and curling her hair._

"_I love you. I love you."_

"_I love you too"_

"_Still mad?"_

"_I just called you John."_

"_I know."_

"_Oh you know me too well."_

"_Of course." I smiled._

"_You have that look."_

"_What look?"_

"_A I'm-so-in-love look."_

"_Oh. I am in love. With a woman who's staring at me."_

_She smiled happily._

"_I'm in love with you John. You're the most special man I've ever known."_

_I smiled widely. She giggled. My head moved towards her and so did hers and our lips met in a long and passionate kiss. A kiss to show and prove how in love we were with each other._

I leaned against the dark green wall of my bathroom and sighed.


	14. Chapter 14

**Part 14:**

Why everything has to be so hard? So painful. I slipped my robe in and headed to the bedroom. I looked at the empty room and I... I... just didn't want to wake up alone the next morning. I wish I could wake up and see her face. I sat in the bed and wondered. That's what I'm doing most these days. Wonder. Suddenly I looked over at the chest of drawers and noticed a paper on it. I stood and went to pick it. It was a letter. I froze at the thought of it. I carefully opened it and tears formed in my eyes. It was the letter I gave her in my last day at County. One year ago. I had no idea she kept it. But it made me happy. Showed she cared. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. She was in the lounge with Neela and Ray. I was passing by and decided to talk to them. As soon as I opened the door her eyes filled with tears. And so did mine. We both were afraid to show how each other our true feelings. I walked up to the window and looked at the stars. In these eleven years many people came and went. I met so many people but none of them had the effect, the impact you left on me. I'm staring at the sky and somehow I hope to see you. Suddenly I heard a baby crying. A cold sensation ran all over my body. I began to tremble. My worst fear playing a trick on me. I shook my head and moved to lay in the bed. After I did, I rolled to her side and tried to sleep. In vain. A few minutes – it seemed like hours – I heard the baby crying again. I quickly get up and went to the baby's room. Maybe Abby was needing help. Once I opened the door no one was there. And I was back to reality. No Abby. No baby. Just me. In this stupid house. All by myself. I didn't know if I cried or I laughed of hopeless. What did I do to deserve so much misery? I went to my room again and sat in the bed. I just put my hand on my eyes and let the tears fall. It's not fair. I now know how she felt that day. Not having anyone to sleep with, to feel safe with, to wake up with.

"_Hey."  
"Hey."  
"Did you see the eclipse?"  
_"_Yeah, sort of."  
_"_Pretty freaky, huh?"  
_"_Yeah, I guess."  
_"_You have a rough shift?"  
_"_Yeah, there was this guy, this MI, he asked me for a pen and some paper to write a note to his kids, I couldn't save him, but I could of..."  
_"_What?"  
"Nothing. Nothing's right here."  
_"_Hey! I haven't seen you in a week, that's it? Luka called me, looking for you, he was under the impression I might know where you were. You're going, right? To Africa?"  
_"_It's not Rio, but it's not here."  
__Then I started walking away. A few steps away I turned around and she was gone. I even considered walking back to meet her. But my pride was bigger than my love._

It's sad but it's true. Luka dragged me straight into this trap. Revenge and hate were – still are – always between us. I was stupid and blind enough to fall right into this thing Susan tried so hard to warn me and drag me out of. I know I should have listened to her and taken her advice. She really wanted to make this work – me and Abby. She got pretty mad when Abby showed her my letter. I admit I would feel the same if I were in her place. In Abby's place, I mean. Sending a letter is a childish and immature way to break up with someone. But I just couldn't face her at that moment. I had to face her a month later though. All the feelings came back when I hugged her. She said when we found our way back to each other that I wasn't very convincing. She knew by that moment feelings were still on. From her and from me too. She was good at noticing things when no one else did. Agreeing to take part on the family business was one of the things I admired most in her. Not actually taking a part, but going to events and stuff. She took it pretty serious. Said she wanted this to stick and she was going to work real hard for it. I cleary remember that day. When I left her alone in the event.

_I went over to McNulty's clinic and I was devastated for being tricked. I got in my car and drove off. I stopped at her place and stared at the house for some minutes. Then I got off and moved to enter. Once inside I noticed everything was dark except for one light. The bathroom one. I slowly tiptoed to there and she was cleaning her face, to remove the make up. I walked behind her and slipped my hands on her waist. She wasn't really paying attention so she __was startled a little when I rested my chin on her left shoulder. She just stared at the mirror and didn't say a word. So I spoke.  
_"_Aren't you gonna say it?"  
_"_What?"  
_"_That you missed me"  
_"_No", She tried to walk away, "You left me alone and madly get off on your jeep. How did you think I felt there huh? Oh I'm sure you didn't even realize you left me standing there like a un-feeling person!"  
_"_That's not true! You were trying to lecture about my family!"  
_"_No, I was only trying to help you. But hey, if you asked me to help you I'd be happy to. This is not a game. It's real. I want to get involved… for you. I mean, if you want me to"  
_"_You don't wanna get involved. You'd be bored in the first day"  
_"_Oh I see"  
_"_What?"  
_"_You think I'm not capable to do it"  
_"_No, I -"  
_"_It's okay. I understand"  
__She looked at me and walked away. I sighed with frustration. Then I went after her.  
_"_Abby…listen"  
_"_Do I really have to?", She asked with anger.  
_"_Yes", I grabbed her arm, "Look, you wouldn't want to do this"  
_"_I would", She turned to face me. "I would. And I'm sorry if I wanted to make you feel happy. I tried to be useful. I really wanted to help"  
_"_I know Abby. I know"  
_"_Then why are you making such a big deal of it? I'm your girlfriend and unless you don't want this to stick, I th -"  
_"_I want this to stick", I interrupted. "I really do"  
_"_Then let me be a part of your life!" She yelled, "Please"  
__I just stood there, looking down. She was staring at me, I could feel that. She then passed by me and went to the bathroom again. I stood still for some minutes in the dark room. I decided it had to stop. I slowly moved towards the bathroom and stared at her. My Abby. My wonderful girlfriend. I began to walk again and slipped my hands on her arms then to her waist and whispered in her ear.  
_"_I'm sorry. I didn't mean to piss you"  
__She smiled but didn't move.  
_"_You know, you're right. Maybe I was trying to make you stay away from it. It's just… I dated some women who were interested in my money"  
_"_I'm not like them. I'm not this type John. I thought you knew", She said with a tone of disappointment on her voice.  
_"_I know. I know. But…"  
_"_You're doubting of me"  
_"_No"  
_"_Yeah you are"  
_"_Abby"  
_"_Right"  
_"_Gamma doesn't like you"  
_"_I figured"  
_"_You'll thank me later. You wouldn't want to have a discussion with her, believe me"  
_"_Okay"  
_"_Don't be mad"  
_"_I'm not"  
_"_Really?". She nodded her head. "You looked beautiful today. You look beautiful all the time"  
__She smiled and said, "I don't. But thanks anyway"  
_"_Yes you do" I spun her around to face me. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met", I lifted her chin so she could look at me. "Understand?"  
__I smiled happily but she remained serious. I brought her closer to my body.  
_"_You were the prettiest woman at the event earlier"  
_"_Haha, thanks" She whispered against my chest.  
_"_Come on. It's past midnight. We have a shift early in the morning", I reached for her hand and took it, leading her to the bedroom.  
_"_I get the impression we're not sleeping in there"  
__I smiled at her statement._

I heard the doorbell ringing. I went downstairs to answer it. Suddenly all my fears came back and I began to cry. I just hugged the person standing in front of me.


	15. Chapter 15

**Part 15**

"John. It's going to be okay. It's gonna be okay"  
"Oh dad"  
"I know"  
"You don't know how much I needed you", I stepped away.  
"You've been through hard moments John"  
"And I caused that"  
"No. Stop blaming yourself. It's not your fault"  
"I could have prevented it. I never should have yelled at her". I moved to sit on the couch and put my hands on my face. "What should I do now? I'm so confused, so… lost"  
"It's okay to feel that way son. You lost someone really important. Someone you really cared about"  
"It's more than just cared dad. It was love. True love. Love, that I thought I had with Kem, but I didn't. When I realized it was Abby, she is taken away from me. Just like that"  
Dad just nodded his head, listening carefully to me.  
"I never regretted about something as I regret leaving her like that. She wasn't just any woman, she was my soulmate. The love of my life. And the worst part is that Luka dragged me away from her. That stupid Croatian bastard. He had planned everything". I said with hate and anger in my voice.  
"Easy son"  
"What am I gonna do without her? And the baby?" My father was puzzled. "She was carrying my child"  
"Oh"  
"She was afraid she would miscarry it", Tears began to fill my eyes again.  
"John"  
"Yeah. I said she would do great" Tears began to fall from my eyes. "I wish I could be more understanding. She was terrified. And I really thought it would be just fine this time. That I would finally have a baby. I've been dreaming for this moment for my whole life"  
"I know son"  
"If only I could tell her how intense my feelings towards her are"  
"Maybe you didn't have the chance"  
"No dad. I did. I just didn't know how to take them. I don't know, I thought she would always be around. The truth is it's not this way. It's comfortable to think love lasts forever. In life it doesn't work that way"  
"Love is a complicated thing"  
"Tell me about it"  
"I must say, I liked Abby more than Kem. I mean, you just went to Africa and came back with a pregnant woman and…"  
"I know dad. That must have been pretty shocking for her"  
"Imagine her getting pregnant by another man while you were still getting over her"  
"Thanks dad. I get it" I said a little loud.  
"You got over her too fast"  
"I get it okay!" I shouted this time. Tears falling down again.  
"Honestly I knew since the beginning that you and Kem weren't made for each other"  
"You knew?" I asked in disbelief. "And you didn't tell me?"  
"I'm not supposed to comment on your love life. I have no right to tell you what to do. Not anymore. You're grown up. And whatever you decide to do or not to do is up to you now. The consequences is the price you'll have to pay in the future"  
"I think I'm already paying it" I said in a sad tone.  
"Yes, you are"  
"Oh dad. I just want to have her here with me. And never let her go"  
"Well, you can't have her. Not anymore"  
"I want to be with her forever. Follow her whenever she goes"  
"You're desperate"  
"I am. I am. I'm desperate cause I don't have her. I threw it all away. Once again"  
"Don't blame yourself"  
"Dad, I need her"  
"I know son. I know", He got up and put a hand on my shoulder. "But now you need to say goodbye to her"  
"I don't know if I can. Don't want to"  
"But you need to"  
"I'm not ready to that yet", My eyes filled with tears.  
My father just stood in front of me, concerned. And his way to show me he cared was stepping towards me and hugging me. I hugged him back and rested my head on his shoulder. Then I cried like a baby. We remained like this for like fifteen minutes. My eyes were all red from crying. I stepped back.  
"Thanks for coming over dad", I said as I wiped away my tears.  
"Don't thank me. I did what a father is supposed to"  
"Thanks", I smiled.  
"I should really get going now"  
"Okay", I walked to the door.  
"Take care of yourself son. I really mean it"  
"I will. Thanks again dad"  
He hugged me one last time before leaving. Then I felt pain again. Like a punch in the stomach or something. This could be me leaving right now after a sincere conversation with my son or my daughter. I hated myself for thinking it. It only made things worse. Way worse. I looked through the window. He had already gone. I turned around and headed to the bedroom. I looked over the sheet. It still had the flower sheet. I guess it hasn't been changed in ages. No point to change it now, huh? I sat on the bed and put the blankets over my body. Then I rolled to her side and tried to sleep. It took me a long time but I could get some sleep.


End file.
